Ramblings of an Insane Person on Coffee
by Amoria Black
Summary: This what happens when I read fanfics while drinking coffee and having sugar. Oh the terrors my evil mind makes!
1. YOUR MY WHAT?

Based on a sentence I read in Flawed Lines by diagonalist.

""Harry, TO THE LAB! Draco, The Headmaster wants you." Snape finished with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"OMG! I knew Albie would come around!" Draco ran out squealing to find his darling Dumbles.

"Now Harry, TO THE LAB!" Yelled one almost giddy greasy potions master sticking one finger up in the air. Of course he wasn't actually giddy, that would be undignified.

"Ummmm... sir? Are you sure we should go in there? Draco left some of his 10th degree vegan stuff in there, and that was two days ago…."

"Harry, have I ever steered you wrong?" a tone of hurt and betrayal entering Severus's voice.

"Well there was that one ti-" A hand suddenly clamped down on Harry's mouth.

"Let's not talk about that, okay. Hehe...", A somewhat nervous look upon the sexy sallow face of the tall man. (sigh) (looks around seeing the various scared and disgusted looks from poor readers) He hem, right, back to the story.

Harry glared up with an almost Snapish look.

"OMG! YOUR FIRST GLARE! I'm sooo proud of you son!"

"WTF! YOU'RE MY DADDY!" Harry curled up into a little ball singing "she bangs, she bangs".

"OH NO! I KILLED MY SON! Wait….. Haven't I been trying to do that for years? Ah well. Bye Harry! I'm not your father by the way." And with that, the sexy potions master went to his lab. Cloaks billowing and all.


	2. Expect the Unexpected

(Somewhere in the Gryffindor girls rooms sat an angry griffy)

Hermione Granger was a smart witch. She prided herself on being the top of her class and always knowing the right answers. But she had one major problem.

She was a whore.

Every day at Hogwarts was torture. Having to put up her little miss goody-goody façade and walk through the halls at night breaking up couples. How she longed to be back at home, where all the neighborhood guys would come by and fix her….. problem. Well she was sick and tired of being little miss nice Granger. SHE WAS GONNA BE AWHORE WHETHER THESE BITCHES AGREED OR NOT! MWAHAHAHA!

(As you can tell, miss granger seems to have some… issues…, SEEE! That's what repressing your emotions does.)

(Somewhere in the Gryffindor boy's rooms)

Neville Longbottom was depressed. No not de-pressed, I mean DE-PRESS-ED. And as a Gryffindor this was simply unheard of! But Neville couldn't take it anymore. He missed his harem. All of those beautiful girls surrounding him, obeying his every command! He simply couldn't take being "Neville Longbottom, resident clumsy idiot" It was time that the wizarding world face the real him. The smirk that suddenly came to his face oddly suited him. To anyone else it would seem as though Neville was possessed. But he knew. Soon he would have more girls in that harem of his.

(About a day or two later)

Every single head in the great hall turned when in entered two of the oddest things seen since the introduction of snorkacks during care of magical creatures. Neville Longbottom and Hermione Granger were dressed as Pimp and whore respectively. And they looked damn good.

"HOLY POTATOES! Is that Neville?" Parvati Patil simply COULD NOT believe her eyes at seeing shy, quiet Neville dressed like that.

"Why yes, it is." Hermione purred out and stepped in front of him.

"So Neville, where have you been hiding this luscious body of yours hmm?" Hermione gazed at him with a hungry look in her eyes.

The entire hall just sat there gaping at her.

"You know those wizarding robes, so baggy." Came Neville's oddly suave voice. He had some how managed to make that sentence sound sexy. And that's just scary.

"Maybe we should meet to… study some day?", mewed Hermione, batting her long lashes.

"Why yes, I do believe it would be… enjoyable." Came her reply.

And with that started the reign of Neville and Hermione. The Pimp and the whore of Hogwarts.


	3. Female Weaselys

Um yeah, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really wasn't expecting anything! This particular story was supposed to be a Ginny/Draco, but I suck at romance, SO NEH!

"Come out, come out where ever you are!" A deranged voice sounded around the corner.

'WTF? I know that voice….' Thought Draco.

"Umm, do we really want to go towards an evil sounding female voice?" Blaise asked the question on everyone's mind.

"You know what, yeah, why not, should be amusing." Came Theo's quick reply.

'Why, oh why do Slytherins have to be so cruel and sadistic in their sence of humor?' Thought Draco. This was not going to be good. One thing he had learned was not to piss of a chick. He should have learned a couple years back when Granger punched him, but _NO_, he just had to be a smart ass about it. His cheek still hurt every once in while.

"Guys, really this is not a good idea."

"Is this the same Draco Malfoy we're speaking too? Or are you still afraid after that crazy Hufflepuff slapped you", smirked Blaise.

"Hey, I'm just warning you!"

What they saw when rounding the corner was a very wet, very insane looking, very hot, Ginny Weasely.

"Hey, is it just me, or is anyone else having some warm fuzzy thoughts right now?"

Several nods were Theo's reply.

"Oh, Colin! Come out, come out where ever you are!" A paralyzed Colin was staring with fear at the ever approaching Weasely.

"Colin's been a stupid boy now hasn't he, throwing Ginny into the water, knowing Ginny was going to have to kill him if he did….? Hmm?" Ginny was grinning like a mad woman, no wait, she WAS a mad woman!

"Men, there are times when a women can be sexy while doing this, but when they start going into third person, IT'S NOT HEALTHY!", came Blaise's partially whispered comment. Luckily Ginny was too busy closing in on Colin to hear.

Suddenly she pounced, kicking him where the sun don't shine, scratching like a tiger and so on. The boys watched on in horrified amusement. 'Ow, okay, that HAD to be damaging.' A sudden urge to protect the 'family jewels' came upon the Slytherins. She grabbed Colin by the hair and started dragging him towards the lake. With an all mighty growl she threw him into the lake, and when I say throw I mean **_he landed about 20 feet from shore! _**

"Everyone here agree to never piss Ginny Weasely off?" Draco stuttered out. Nods where the only reply.

Lesson here, DO NOT PISS A FEMALE WEASLY OFF! It's not healthy and she will most likely kill you or harm you.


	4. Dark Lord

Harry Potter was absolutely disgusted. 7 years. 7 FUCKING YEARS! And the reporters were still after him. He hated it. He hated the whole damn business of being the Man-who-killed-Voldemort. Being the Hogwarts headmaster of course meant that the school became infested with little Creevy-like beings. It was starting to scare him. "You know what? SCREW IT. No more mister nice Harry. I defeated fucking Voldemort, why won't these little bastards leave me ALONE…."

Luna entered the room in her skimpiest night gown. "Awww! Harry you know what you have to do now right?"

Harry stared at his beautiful, slightly crazy wife. "Um… No dear…" Harry admitted. He hated being wrong.

"You have to kill them all off. Preferably while being a Dark Lord."

Harry yet again gaped at his wife. "Holy hell… Luna… YOU'RE RIGHT! TO THE HARRY MOBILE!"

"But Harry! I wanted to play dungeons first!" cried out Luna putting on her best puppy dog face.

"What type of a man am I to deny my Mistress what she wants?" Harry said as Luna pulled out her whip.

-Five hours later-

Harry and Luna were standing in front Hogwarts were every reporter in the wizarding world was anxiously waiting.

"We are here today to annonce two of the Wizarding world's most horrible annoncments ever! One, I have now retired as Headmaster of Howarts school of Witchcraft and Wizrdry! Two, Luna and I are now the Dark Lord and Dark Lady! MWAHAHAHHA! You may run in fear now." And run they did. The reporters unfortunetly made the mistake of running twords the whomping willow… So the wizarding world only had one source of news…

THE DAILY PROPHET

_Prophesies since 1708 A.D._

_Tuesday April 12, 2006_

THE DARK FAMILY POTTER  
By: Rita Skeeter

Yesterday afternoon Harry and Luna Potter, saviors of the Wizarding world, made a terrifying announcement. They were the new dark family in town. Wizards and witches, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!! They were the only ones on the battle field for the final war who survived! EVEN ALBUS DUMBLEDOR PERISHED!! I suggest that the Ministry of Magic just hand over rule to the new Dark Lord and Lady and pray that they don't get killed. WE HAVE NO CHANCE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

And thus began the plot of the Potters to force the Wizarding world to stop STALKING THEM.


End file.
